It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
