I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
