He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
