Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
