Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
