his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
