Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
