i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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