can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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