Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
