yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
