Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
