I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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