I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
