We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
