Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
