How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
