oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Success! We fucked roommates!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
