Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
