my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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