Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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