Swine flu. Run for my life!
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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