Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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