I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
