My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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