new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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