I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
