I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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