Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
