dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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