MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
