Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
