Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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