I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
