i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
