mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
