worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
