she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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