do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i think i just lost a toe
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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