The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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