How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
