Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
