Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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