dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
