you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
