I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
