I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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