Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
