sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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