so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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