Fine. I'll sleep in my office
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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